Confession
by MarianaReads
Summary: Five years after the end of the Second War, Harry Potter is preparing to ask Ginny Weasley to marry him. However, before he can take that step, he needs to resolve one relationship in his life that he can't seem to forget.
1. Chapter 1

"Hello, Harry."

Harry winced. The sound of her voice had caused him to jump, sending the tiny pieces of shredded napkins scattering across the small table. A few pieces fell into the circular rings of sweat left from his glass of water that he hadn't touched. Harry stared at the floating bits of paper. He couldn't will himself to meet her eyes... yet. Harry heard her pull back the chair across from his and take a seat but after that, she was perfectly silent. Luna was always silent, it seemed. It was maddening and yet comforting, all at once. She never expected him to fill the air with empty words the way that the world always seemed to demand that he do. Luna knew that Harry needed to take his time and she let him. She didn't demand to know his feelings, or how he was adjusting, or what he was thinking constantly. If he wanted to offer the information, then fine - she'd be there. She was always there. Luna wasn't taken in by The Chosen One or by The Boy Who Lived. To Luna, he simply existed as Harry. And this was the _one _thing that Harry desired of the world - to be seen apart from the war, from Voldemort, from death... so why was he choosing this path for himself?

He cleared his throat.

"Luna, I..." he chanced a glance at her and found she was watching him, steadily. Her big, blue eyes shone clear and seemed to say that she'd accept whatever he was about to confess. And inexplicably, he grew angry. He was about to hurt her, to break his own heart, and she'd simply take it without a fight. "Luna, I'm going to ask Ginny to marry me." Luna's face fell for one iota of a second, before she pulled her lips into a small smile. And that tiny, nearly imperceptible break in her face seemed to shatter Harry.

"Ah, well. It would seem that congratulations are in order," Luna reached across the small café table and patted Harry's hand with her own. Before she could pull away, he grabbed her hand with his own. The gesture made her start, and she glanced up at Harry.

"I'm sorry, Luna," he said, his voice hoarse.

"For what, Harry?" She fixed her eyes on him, searching his face. Harry broke her gaze and looked around the café. The Muggles were all carrying on with their own business. They, like Luna, paid no special attention to Harry. This was why he escaped to the Muggle world. If he had known at eleven that he would seek the Muggle world out as a refuge, Harry would have laughed until he cried. But in the five years after the end of the Second War, life had become nearly unbearable. Naturally, he had the friends who had supported him before the world fell apart but even they were different now too. Ron and Hermione were living together, creating their own future... and though they never intentionally excluded Harry, he was no longer a central piece of their relationship. They were creating a life together and it did not feel right to expect them to make the same space for him as he would have when they were in Hogwarts.

The rest of the wizarding world treated him like a war hero. He supposed he was but Harry had hoped that he'd be given the chance at a life he had never experienced - a life of anonymity. A life in which people didn't stop and applaud him in the streets. Where children didn't stop and stare. He knew in his heart that he should be thankful that his world understood and appreciated what he had been through but - did they really? Did they truly understand? No. Harry had been through some very dark places in his young life, but now? He couldn't begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. He only thought he knew isolation before. And now, now he was going to marry Ginny Weasley.

Harry had no doubt in his mind that Ginny would accept. The two had been a couple ever since the Battle of Hogwarts and everyone seemed to accept their relationship as permanent. Ginny was his best friend's sister, and Harry loved her family. In fact, he was a part of her family. He had no doubts that she would be faithful to him and to be steady along side him for the rest of their days. And truly, was there anything more that a person could ask for? Ginny was a wonderful woman, and Harry knew that they could be good for each other... if he knew that there wasn't someone else who was better suited for him.

And he believed that person was sitting across from him at this very moment.

"I feel as though I'm," _I'm what? _Harry thought. _Betraying you? _"I'm... We..." Harry stopped, at a loss for words. He glanced at her, his eyes pleading. Harry willed Luna to understand so that he wouldn't have to say the words himself.

"Harry, you're feeling guilty. I know that. I can see that. But you need to figure out why you're feeling this way before you can try to express it to me," Luna said and gently pulled her hand free of his. Harry clenched his fists. Anger, again.

Luna and Harry forged some sort of special relationship while they were students at Hogwarts. In a way, they were very similar. They were both outcasts and, at times, ostracized by the world at large. But while Harry wanted to rage at the world for not understanding and for abandoning him, Luna took it all in stride. He _knew_ that it got to her at times, when they were younger, but she took it all with grace. Luna Lovegood was a study in grace but more often than not, the world failed to recognize it. Harry's face burned with shame and his stomach doubled over when he remembered how he used to mock Luna - behind her back and sometimes, to her face. He didn't understand back then what she would become to him.

The year immediately after the War had been the worst of Harry's life. What should have been a year of triumph and celebration was marked by a life pushed even further into the public eye and, subsequently, a crippling isolation. He became angry, and lashed out at those he loved most. Ron and Hermione accepted his behavior and attempted to help him through it. After all, they had been there the most - through the worst. They understood. But it was Luna who helped Harry to understand _why_ he was angry. She sat with him for nights and days, simply listening to him ramble out his madness and work his way through what he was thinking. It was she who held him as he cried, and would be the steady hand that he reached for when he awoke from terrible nightmares. Harry still didn't understand why he turned to Luna and not to Ginny during that first year after. And Ginny recognized what was going on too. Perhaps it was a mark of how good she was that she accepted Harry's choice in companion without complaint, or maybe it was because she knew that she couldn't and didn't want to face Harry's darkness. Harry half suspected the latter.

Quite simply, Luna was a light. She was _his _light... and he was about to throw her away because the world expected it of him. Harry clutched his stomach - he felt that he might be sick.

"I think I'm making the wrong decision," he managed to say before clamping his mouth shut. Again, he turned his eyes to Luna's, pleading.

She offered him a small, sad smile before pulling the long strap of her handbag over her shoulder. Once more, she reached across the table and gently placed her hand on top of Harry's and squeezed gently. She stood and turned to go.

"You're-you're leaving me?" Harry spluttered. Luna sighed and turned back to look at him.

"Harry, I don't know what you want me to say-"

"What you're thinking would be nice, for a start. You're just sitting there, letting me drown... all while _smiling_? You, of all people, know that this isn't easy for me," Harry spat at her. He gripped the edge of the table, his knuckles turning white, as he fought to overcome the anger that had risen up. Luna's smile fell to a hard and grim line.

"Harry, you called me here to talk... but the majority of the time you sat there looking ill. But now, I need to return to work. The Quibbler is close to being published and I need to over see it. We're doing ourselves no good just sitting here, staring at one another," Luna said. At the mention of the publication, Harry barked out a laugh.

"The Quibbler? Of course. You wouldn't want the inquiring masses to be left out of any developments surrounding the healing properties of a Blast Ended Skrewt's tail shell." As soon as he said it, he regretted it. Luna's face fell and she stared at the ground for a moment before meeting his eyes. There was a quiet fury there that he had never before seen.

"I've known you to be many things, Harry Potter... but never hateful. I understand why you're angry with the world but I will not be your punching bag. If you can figure out what is going on in that mind of yours, you know where to find me. But until then, I will not be treated with cruelty." Luna turned on her heel and rushed out of the café. Moments after the door slammed shut, Harry heard a loud and distinctive pop. He knew that she had Apparated and was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Four Years Ago

Luna woke with a start – someone or, more likely, some_thing_ was outside the house. She smiled to herself, imagining her father sweeping into the room and smoothing down her hair. "Not to worry love," she could hear him say, "You know that Wrackspurts mate this time of year. They're carrying on in the garden."

_Yes, Father_, Luna thought sadly. _But Wrackspurts aren't real now, are they?_

It had been a year since the Battle of Hogwarts and less than a year since Luna took a good look at her father and his beliefs and realized that most of them were nothing more than the designs of an eccentric. It had been heartbreaking to Luna and the young woman had been undeniably changed because of it. A year before, she wouldn't hesitate to defend the existence of fantastical creatures to narrow minded wizarding folk but now? Now, she knew the truth.

The disturbance sounded again from down below, and Luna slid out of her bed, grabbing her dressing gown as she went. Below her window, in her garden, a figure was stumbling about, shouting curses and waving his wand at the various statues. There was no question that he was male – and his voice was eerily familiar. Luna turned and ran from her room, racing down the stairs and only slowed when she reached the entrance to her garden. She removed her wand from a pocket of her robe and murmured, "_Lumos," _as she stepped outside.

The figure spun and pointed his wand at her. "Reveal yourself!" he shouted, the words slurred – obviously intoxicated.

"Reveal myself? But Harry Potter, you're the one in _my_ garden in the middle of the night," Luna said calmly, crossing the cold grass to reach Harry. He peered down at her, his glasses askew and his eyes clouded over from too much Fire Whiskey, if what she smelled was correct.

"Luna?" he asked, and dropped his wand. He stared at her, confused, and then glanced about his surroundings. "I… I was walking home and there were figures following me. They cornered me here," he whispered, glancing around the small garden with wide eyes.

Luna studied Harry's face. Of course she had heard the whispers about him following the War. Folks said that he was losing it, prone to bouts of drinking and madness… not unlike Alastor Moody when he was still alive. The rumors said that he would sooner curse you than find out your name if you approached him from behind…

But could she blame him? No, absolutely not. Those who were in the thick of the war had _all_ been changed – for the better and for the worse. Luna could not find it within herself to fault Harry for his behavior and in fact felt pity for the man standing in front of her.

"We're doing ourselves no good standing out here in the cold," Luna said. She reached out and took Harry's non-wand hand. He jumped at her touch and stared down at their joined hands. "Come inside, Harry. I'll make some tea."

He nodded and looked around the garden once more. Seemingly satisfied that no nefarious characters were lurking in the shadows, he stumbled behind her, into the warmth of her kitchen.

Harry sat down in one of her chairs and glanced around the small room while Luna set to making tea. "So, Harry, what brings you to my garden at two in the morning?" She heard Harry suck in breath and sigh.

"I'm sorry. I… You knew that I moved into town?" he asked.

"Yes, of course. You've been the only thing that people could speak of since you purchased your flat." Luna turned to him and set a steaming mug in front of him. He glanced down at the liquid as though it would rear up and bite him. "It's simple herbs, Harry. No surprises."

"What? Nothing to keep away bad spirits and ghosties?" He snorted meanly before glancing up at Luna. At her look, his face faltered and he leaned back against his chair. "That was uncalled for. I-" Luna cleared her throat and cut him off. He glanced up at her and she shrugged.

"I fear I'll forever live under the shadow that my father cast," she admitted, settling into the chair next to Harry's. He watched her with a confused expression and Luna smiled sadly. "It took me so long to realize that my father was… out of touch… and I believed him so whole heartedly, so blindly. All the while, _everyone _at Hogwarts was mocking me… Mocking us." A brief look of pain marred her features.

"I thought it didn't get to you. I thought you didn't care," Harry commented. Luna laughed softly.

"I thought that I was right. But, no matter. It does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live, does it now?" At her words, Harry jumped. Luna turned her gaze to him. "Are you alright?"

"Er, yes. Fine. It's just… those words. Someone once said them to me before…" Luna peered questioningly at Harry but he shook his head. The two were silent for a moment before a sharp laugh exploded from Harry's mouth. "I'm sorry… This is just… Well, it's ridiculous, isn't it?"

"What is ridiculous, Harry?" Luna asked, studying his face. Harry wore a hard expression as he stared down into his untouched tea. To her, Harry always seemed to be struggling for control – for control over his temper, his anger… And it would seem that the events of the past few years were making everything harder for him. He seemed to be at war with himself.

"Me. _Here_," he chuckled. "I'm sitting in Luna _Lovegood's_ kitchen… at two in the morning. Quite drunk, if I'm honest with myself," Harry let out a full laugh this time and Luna frowned. "I'm sure you still have that painting of all of our faces on your ceiling, don't you?" Luna couldn't decide if the mean streak she was hearing was a direct response to the alcohol that Harry had consumed earlier. She stood abruptly and motioned to the door.

"Alright, Harry. I can see that you're fine. Perhaps it's time for you to go." Harry opened his mouth to protest but Luna cut him off. "I won't tolerate being mocked in my own home." Luna moved forward and pulled on Harry's upper arm. He stumbled out of his chair and fell against the table, bracing himself.

"Alright, _alright_. I'm going, damn you… Gerroff me!" He snapped at her. Harry righted himself and snatched his wand off of the table, shoving in his back trouser pocket. "I don't need this. I don't need _any _of this," he shouted. Luna jumped back, surprised at Harry's sudden outburst. He glared at her with a wild look and Luna couldn't help but shrink back a bit.

"Please, just go," she said in a small voice. Harry sneered at her one more time before kicking open her door, and crashing down into the garden. Luna quickly closed the door behind him, and watched him from the window. Harry stood, with his hands on his knees, panting. And for a moment, Luna could have sworn that she heard sobs erupt from him. Luna moved to open the door but before she could call his name, Harry vanished with a loud pop.

_The Next Morning_.

Luna sat in her flower bed, relishing in the sight of the beautiful blossoms and enjoying the sunshine. She moved to reach for her trowel when she heard the crunch of gravel signaling another approaching.

"Luna… Hey, I, uh…" Luna turned and peered up at Harry Potter from under the wide brim of her sun hat. He was staring at his shoes and looked as though he'd rather be anywhere but here.

"Good morning, Harry," Luna said cheerily. "What brings you here?" She turned back to her flowers and moved to pull a weed.

"I wanted to come by and apologize. That is, I need to apologize - for my behavior from last night. I was an absolute git."

Luna smiled to herself as she tossed the weed aside. "The famous Harry Potter… admitting that he's only human." She glanced back up at Harry and watched as his expression hardened at the mention of his fame. "Oh, I was only teasing." Luna stood and brushed the soil off of her hands. "I'm about to fix some lunch. Would you like to join me?"

Harry stared at her for a minute, as though he was trying to decide whether she was trapping him in a situation that he didn't want to be in. After the minute passed, he smiled reluctantly. "Yeah, I think I'd like that." Luna nodded and moved toward her house.

"Come on, then."


	3. Chapter 3

Present Day

Luna let herself into her home, and set her belongings on the kitchen table. She sucked in a long breath and willed her hands to stop shaking. _Breathe, Luna_, she coached herself. When she closed her eyes, she saw Harry sitting across from her at the Muggle café. _Stop it!_ she shouted at herself. Opening her eyes, she moved across the kitchen to her small desk, and glanced down at the papers indicating necessary edits for the upcoming Quibbler publication. She sighed and dropped into the chair, silently praying to get lost in the Quibbler. After reading the same note three times, she threw the papers down and ran her hands over her face. It was no good - nothing could distract her from what Harry just told her...

Was he truly going to marry Ginny? Luna knew that Harry was technically still in a relationship wither her. But that's what it came down to - a technicality. More often than not, Ginny was away - for Quidditch matches, tours, conferences... and when it was the off-season? She was being whisked between parties, and galas, and interviews... Harry was alone the majority of their time as a couple and yet... and yet was still going to choose _her_.

Luna's face burned with shame as soon as the thought crossed her mind.

Why should he choose Luna? If she was honest with herself, their relationship never moved past friendship despite her ever-growing feelings for Harry. The morning after he stumbled into her garden four years ago was just the beginning of what would become their daily routine. Harry would _always _show up at her gate and they'd spend the day together - going for walks, working in her garden, making day trips into town or into London... No matter what, Harry always made it to her. She had been the one who he turned to when the darkness got too great and Luna knew that Harry hadn't told Ginny just how badly he was struggling after the war. Sometimes, when Harry fell asleep on her couch after late nights talking, he'd awake from nightmares screaming. Screaming for _Luna_, not for Ginny. And all this time, Luna had accepted his need for her. She'd been steady for him, as steady as rock, when Harry had needed her. And this was how he was going to repay her?

_Did you really think he'd sacrifice Ginny _Weasley_ for you?_ she asked herself bitterly. _Of course not_. Ron Weasley was his best friend, and the Weasleys were truly the only family that Harry had ever known. Why would Harry sacrifice his family for a woman who was still regarded with mirth through out the wizarding world? The choice was easy - Ginny Weasley, world renown Quidditch star, or Luna Lovegood, eccentric editor of quack publication _The Quibbler_? Luna laughed harshly at herself before placing her face in her hands and bursting into tears.

Luna had no idea how long she sat like that at her table. She felt a hand on her shoulder and glanced up, noting how the lowered sun cast shadows throughout her kitchen.

"Luna," Harry murmured, kneeling before her. He pulled her hands down into his and ran his thumbs over her soft skin. Luna lowered her gaze to him and studied his face, searching for signs of what he was thinking. Harry raised her hands to his lips and placed soft, reverent kisses on each hand. She sucked in a breath and pulled her hands free of his, running them down the length of her trousers. Harry looked up at her, hurt marring his features. After a moment, he nodded and stood, walking the length of her kitchen. Once he reached the far corner, he turned back to watch her. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned back against her counter.

"Say the word, Luna, and I won't do it. Tell me not to marry her and I won't," Harry stated. As if he were asking the most simple request of her. Luna's mouth dropped open as she stared at him.

"You can't possibly be serious," she stuttered. Harry shook his head.

"Luna, I am deadly serious. Tell me not to, and I won't," he responded. Luna narrowed her eyes at him and stood. She turned her back to him, and began absent-mindedly organizing The Quibbler notes before her. Her hands began to shake again.

"Don't be a fool," she said, and heard Harry cross the room. Her wrapped his fingers around her upper arms and pulled her gently back towards him, turning her so that she was facing him. With a finger, he lifted her chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes.

"Say the word, Luna," he repeated. His eyes seemed to beg her to. With that Luna broke free of his touch. Suddenly, she was angry.

"_I _have to be the one to tell you, to ask you, not to marry your girlfriend? And I thought that Gryffindors prided themselves on bravery." Luna pushed passed him, and walked into the adjoining room. She looked around and fixated on the clutter on her table. Luna prayed that she appeared distracted and that Harry wouldn't be able to pick up on how shaken she was. She heard Harry follow her from the kitchen. Luna gathered the various books and parchment rolls into her arms.

"Bravery? Luna, I'm telling you that I will risk _everything_ that I have-" he began. Luna whipped around and glared at him.

"Make the decision for yourself, Harry. I will _not _be the reason that you fix blame on when you realize that you'll be held accountable for your actions. Do you want to marry her, Harry? Do you?!" Luna shouted at him. Harry blanched and hardened his jaw. "What, Harry? Nothing to say. It's a simple question. Do you love her? Do you want to marry her?"

"I- Luna, it's not that simple-" he began walking toward her but she held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks.

"It's the _most _simple question! Do you love her?" Luna enunciated each word, and began rushing around the room, throwing books that she had gathered on to random surfaces. She couldn't look at his face. She _couldn't_.

"I... Well, yes. I do love her," Harry answered. Luna's shoulders slumped and she dropped the remaining parchment to the floor. _Do. Not. Cry_, she coached herself.

"Well, there you have it. Congratulations, Harry. If you'll excuse me," she said, and moved to re-enter the kitchen. Harry stepped into her path.

"But I love you too."

Luna looked up at him. "I won't make your decisions for you, Harry. And I won't let you treat me like this anymore." She knocked into him, bumping him out of her way.

"Treat you like _what_, Luna? Treat you like I've been falling in love with you every single damn day for the last four years?" Harry shouted. He was quickly losing his cool and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to calm down. When he reopened them, Luna was standing in the middle of the kitchen, her back to him. Absolutely still. He moved towards her and ran a finger along her braid, breathing in the smell of her hair - _wildflowers_. "You have to know, Luna. I know that I'm not alone in this," he whispered. Luna let out a shuddering sob.

"Every day, for four years, I've let you into my home... into my life. I won't pretend that I was the only one available for you, but I was the only one who you _wanted_. And for every single day, I've watched you leave me at night... to go home to _her_. To go to a life that you clearly don't want," Luna turned and glared at him, tears streaming down her face. "And you have the audacity to expect me to ask you to choose me? Yes, I love you, Harry and I'm a fool for it. But pay me the _respect _that is due to those who you love. I won't grovel at your feet and beg for you. I'm better than that, and I deserve more. If you want me - I am here. I've been standing here, _waiting _for you. But you need to be the one to take the step," Luna said, pushing her finger into Harry's chest. "But I am finished with it and I'm asking you to make a decision now. And if you leave today and you're not with me, that door will no longer be open to you. I will no longer force myself to exist in a stunted reality waiting for you to notice me."

Harry glared at Luna, and stepped towards her. Once again, he placed his hands around her upper arms but this time, he yanked her towards him. And Luna met his eyes, glare for glare. But Luna wasn't expecting Harry to duck his head and press his lips against hers. His hands slid up her arms, and made their way into her hair. He deepened the kiss and unwittingly, Luna opened herself to him. But as soon as her eyes were closed, Harry was breaking the kiss.

"Goodbye, Luna," he whispered. He pressed one more kiss to her lips and left.


	4. Chapter 4

The door to the pub crashed opened, but Harry didn't bother to glance over his shoulder to see who it was. He stared down at the swallow of fire whiskey in his glass and grimaced. A shot of icy wind ran over him and he shuddered.

"Close the damn door, would you?" he shouted, and threw the shot back. The liquor burned his throat all the way down but Harry took comfort in the feeling. It would bring a numbness that made the world easier to exist in. He slammed his glass down and made eye contact with the bar keep, indicating that he wanted another. The old man began pouring him another tumbler full of whiskey but shook his head while doing so. The other pub patrons either hurried their meals along to avoid the spectacle or lingered. Who wouldn't want to witness _the_ Harry Potter getting pissed in public?

"That'll be it for Potter," a voice announced from behind Harry. The keep nodded to the man and Harry glared over his shoulder at the intruder. Ron Weasley clapped a hand down on Harry's shoulder and dug his fingers in. Harry winced as Ron sent pain shooting from the pressure point and ripped himself out of his friend's grasp.

"That'll _not _be it for Potter," Harry slurred. "Take a seat, Ron. Haven't seen you in a while. Keep, a shot for my friend!"

Ron shook his head at the old man and grabbed Harry's upper arm. "Let's go, mate. You're making a scene."

Harry turned his look to Ron and rolled his eyes. "What're the chances of you letting me stay here?"

"Not in your favor. Let's go, Harry."

Harry muttered to himself and pushed up off of his bar stool. He threw a few sickles on to the bar top and ripped his arm from Ron's grip once more. The two men exited the bar and Ron began steering Harry towards his and Hermione's place.

"Let me guess," Harry said, beginning to stumble. Ron reached out to steady him but Harry sneered. "I've got it. Let's see... We have our good Miss Granger to thank for this intervention tonight?"

Ron's look darkened and he shot Harry a glare. "She's worried about you. We're _all _worried about you. And believe me, I don't fancy dragging your arse out of pubs every week either. You're embarrassing yourself."

"Well I didn't bloody ask for your help," Harry spat. He turned on his heel and began heading towards his flat - he though. Harry stopped dead and looked around. All of the buildings suddenly looked identical and he had _no _idea which way Ron had led him. Ron leaned against the closest building and watched his best friend stumble about, trying to gain a bearing on his where about. After a minute or so, Ron couldn't take how pathetic Harry looked. And to be honest, he was starting to get angry.

"C'mon, mate. Hermione's waiting up for us. Let's get going," he reached for Harry but Harry shoved him away.

"Piss off! I swear I will curse you and leave you here to freeze!" Harry screamed at Ron, pulling his wand out and pointing it squarely at Ron's chest. Ron stared at Harry in disbelief.

"Have you gone mad?!" Ron shouted. He pulled his own wand out and pointed it at Harry. In all of their years together, in all of the madness that they had survived together, Ron had _never _seen that insanity in Harry's eyes. Harry looked as though he'd sooner throw the Cruciatis curse at Ron than follow him home.

"You're out of line," Ron said through gritted teeth. "Lower your wand, Potter."

Harry barked out a laugh. "I'm out of line?! A man can't get a damn drink without having the Order descend upon him!" Harry laughed darkly and thrust his wand toward Ron once more. "Never," Harry sneered.

Ron murmured, "Expelliarmus," and rolled his eyes as Harry's widened in shock. Harry's wand went flying as if an invisible hand snatched it from him. Ron reached up and simply caught Harry's wand as it flew towards his head. Harry growled and Ron leveled his gaze towards his friend.

"Give my wand back, Ron," Harry demanded.

"You threatened me… You've lost it, mate. You need help," Ron turned on his heel and began to walk towards his house. At this point, he didn't care whether Harry followed him.

"Give me my damn wand!" Harry screamed. Ron shook his head and continued his trek home. The snow was beginning to lie on the street and his breath came out in short, white puffs of air.

Ron was thrown to the ground and skidded a few feet, his trajectory stopped as he crashed into a couple of bins outside of the building. Harry glowered over him, panting slightly.

Harry had just… _thrown_ him to the ground? Ron blinked up at Harry, all of his emotions eclipsed by disbelief for a single moment. And then rage over took him. He jumped to his feet and grabbed Harry by his collar, backing him up until Harry was slammed into the wall of another building in the square. The force knocked Harry's glasses from his face and Ron heard a crunch beneath this foot. He didn't care. All he could focus on was the _drunk_ in front of him who had caused trauma and rifts in his family during the past year.

"I am _sick_ of your shit," Ron spat into Harry's face. "I don't know who the hell you think you are. I don't _know_ you anymore." He tightened his grip on Harry's collar and moved inches from his face. "You've messed up _everything_!"

Harry pushed back against Ron, freeing himself. "You don't know anything!" he screamed. He and Ron stared at each other for a long moment, both men panting. Harry tore his gaze from his best friend's face and searched the ground wildly for his glasses. He heard a sickening crush as the last of his frames were destroyed and he snapped.

Harry launched himself at Ron and the two fell to the ground. Ron maneuvered himself so that he was on top of Harry and raised a fist. Harry glared up at him. "Do it," Harry growled. Ron snapped and let his fist drop, connecting to Harry's jaw with as much force as he could muster. Ron lifted his arm to drop another punch when someone grabbed him and ripped him off Harry.

George stood above Ron, and Ron watched as Hermione ran up to Harry and dropped to her knees over him. She reached to touch is face but he slapped her hand away.

"What in the bloody hell is wrong with you two?" George asked. He looked between Ron and Harry. "Hermione heard the two of you screaming at one another and came to the Burrow for help."

Harry shot Ron a glare as he wiped at the blood trickling from his lip. Hermione noticed the shattered glasses in the snow and stood. She slowly made her way to them and murmured, "Reparo." The glasses rebuilt themselves and she offered them to Harry. As Harry sat up, Ron and Hermione looked at each other. She simply looked sad. Ron, however, couldn't let go of his pulsating anger.

George seemed to realize that no one was going to answer any of his questions so he hooked a hand under Ron's shoulder and hoisted him up.

"Come on, brother. Let's go," he said quietly. Ron turned to Hermione, who shook her head.

"I'll see Harry home," she said quietly. Ron stared at her for a moment before nodding his head. He approached her slowly, and took her hand.

"If you need anything," he murmured. She smiled sadly and nodded. He handed her Harry's wand. "Right then," Ron said, backing up. "I'll see you at home, Hermione." Hermione watched her fiancé retreat with George before looking down at Harry. He was still sitting on the ground, his head in his hands. She sighed and approached him, offering her hand.

"Let's go, Harry." Harry looked up at her.

"I'm messed up, Hermione," he said. His voice cracked. She nodded sadly.

"I know." Harry grabbed her hand and stood. Hermione patted her hand on Harry's arm and the two began walking to his home.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry let himself and Hermione into his small flat and dropped into a chair. Everyone had been shocked when he decided to purchase the small apartment in Ottery St. Catchpole. The popular opinion seemed to be that Harry would move to Godric's Hollow but the neighborhood held no appeal to him, at least not at this point in his life. For now Harry strived to distance himself as much from his past as possible. And that meant purchasing a tiny flat - no more than a kitchen, a loo, and a bedroom - and living close to the Weasleys.

When Harry had explained his reasoning, Ron had simply said, "We're wizards, you know? We're literally close to _anyone_... well, so long as you can Apparate properly." Hermione had jabbed her elbow into his ribs and Molly hushed him.

"It's a lovely place, Harry, dear. And we're happy to have you so close," she'd said warmly. Arthur nodded in agreement.

But now, the tiny space was suffocating. Harry didn't bother with cleaning anymore and the filth seemed to grow daily. Hermione glanced around his kitchen once and immediately set to washing his dishes. Harry rested his elbows on the small table and placed his head in his hands. The alcohol was quickly moving him from a happy drunk to a miserable hangover. For several long moments, the only sound was running water and the clink of silverware as Hermione attacked the small pile. Harry groaned and glanced back at her for a moment.

"You're a witch, Hermione," he slurred. He dropped his arms to his side and simply rested his cheek against the cool tabletop.

"I know that," she said simply.

"S'why're you doing that? You could magic it away."

Hermione chuckled softly. "And to that I'd say so could you. But truth be told, it's old habits. I can't seem to shake myself of some of them," she explained simply. "It drives Ron mad. He can't understand why I'd spend time doing anything that can be accomplished with a simple flick of the wrist."

Harry grunted.

"Sometimes it's nice to do things the old fashioned way. I like to keep my hands busy and it gives me time to think." Hermione smiled to herself. "But maybe Ron is right. Maybe I am crazy."

"No, I get it," Harry responded. It was the same logic he used to explain why he chose to walk rather than Apparate. Hermione turned off the water and began to dry the various dishes and cups. The duo were silent for a while, the only sounds coming from a small clock on the wall and Hermione at the sink. Harry willed himself into sobriety. The fire whiskey was still clinging to mind - he was drunk enough that things still _felt_ dull, but was sober enough to realize what an arse he had been that night. It was the worst part of the drink. When sobriety began to descend and with it, the crushing reality of life.

Hermione remained silent and for that Harry loved her. She didn't push him, or demand answers and explanations the way that Ron would have. No, Hermione gave Harry the time that he needed to sort himself out. And in that way, she was exactly like Luna. The thought of Luna sent his head spinning and made his stomach double over. But if Harry was honest with himself, he'd admit that Hermione really wasn't _anything_ like Luna. For so long, Luna had been what kept him on this side of humanity, on just this side of the darkness. And Luna simply understood him - both his thoughts and his needs. Hermione would give him time but wouldn't fully understand where he was coming from. She would require clarification and need to ask questions. Luna just knew.

Harry lifted his head up from the table and licked his lips. "Hermione, I think that I need help," he admitted quietly.

Hermione stopped her chore for a moment, no doubt deciding how to best respond to Harry. After a moment, she began placing his silverware into the correct drawers. "We will find you help, Harry. But you're going to have to give us some slack."

Harry nodded and pushed his chair back so that he could watch her at her work. She was bent over, seemingly lost in arranging his spoons by size.

"Hermione, please - you really don't need to do that." She nodded, never looking back at Harry.

"I know." She continued her work. "You need help," she gently prompted.

Harry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm angry all of the time," he began. "I'm constantly being thanked and congratulated and these people stop me on the street and they ask me, what's next? What will I do next to amaze the world? And I just want to be left alone. I just want to walk down the street and not be stared at." Hermione closed the drawer softly, rounded the table, and sat across from Harry. "I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this cliff, constantly fighting not to fall. And below? I don't know what's below but it's _dark_ and it's bad but I'm always on the verge. But now? Now I just want to fall because I know that it's inevitable. And because at least at the bottom, it'll be quiet."

Hermione watched Harry with sad eyes. She reached across the table and took one of his hands in hers. For the first time in months, Harry didn't jump at the touch of another human.

"Does this have anything to do with Ginny?" Hermione asked.

Harry shook his head. "I wish it were that simple but no. It's always been this way. Ever since the day that Hagrid brought me my letter. I've always been the center of attention and it used to be okay. Back when I was too naive to understand what I was missing out on. But now I'm just _tired _of it. I want to be forgotten. I hate when strangers thank me because honestly, if I could go back and trade it all in for Dumbledore and Sirius to be alive right now, I would."

"Harry, you can't mean that -"

"Yes, Hermione. I do mean that." Harry pulled his hand from hers and ran his fingers through his hair. "And I know how it makes me sound but I don't care. This is who I am and I just don't care anymore. And no one gets it. No one ever got it, except..." Harry trailed off and stared down at his hands.

Hermione nodded sadly. "Except for Ginny," she said.

Harry blinked at Hermione. "No," he said simply. "The only person who ever understood was... Luna."

Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Lovegood?"

Harry chuckled without humor. "Was there ever any other?" Hermione stared at Harry, bewildered. She studied his face and after a few tense moments, she sucked in a sharp breath.

"Oh my God. You're in love with her."

Harry looked up and met her eyes. "Smartest witch in our year, eh?"

"But... I don't - when? Luna? Harry, none of this makes any sense."

Harry simply shrugged his shoulders and dropped his gaze back to his folded hands.

"Wait a minute - you've been with Ginny all this time!"

Harry sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Ginny was always _gone_. First, she was at Hogwarts... and then she got picked up by the Cannons."

"That doesn't make it _right_, Harry. God, if Ron knew..." Hermione trailed off, and put a horrified hand over her mouth. Harry looked up at her.

"I'd be more worried about what Ginny would do to me but no... Luna and I - we never _did_-" Harry stopped as Hermione held up a hand.

"Don't you sit there and justify your behavior to me. You were _wrong_," Hermione snapped. Harry nodded - he knew that Hermione was right. He hadn't treated Ginny with the respect that she deserved.

"I know. And if I could change things... God, I would give anything to go back and change everything. But I can't, Hermione and believe me, I've suffered for it. But if something doesn't change..." Harry shook his head grimly. "I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore," he confessed, his voice cracking.

Hermione let her look of disgust fade into one of worry. Once more, she reached across the table and took Harry's hand.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry opened his eyes. Everything was blurry but there was sunlight - _everywhere_. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. The pounding in his head was only getting worse by the second, and there was an incessant buzzing noise in his ears. Slowly, the events of the previous night came rolling back to him and Harry recalled Ron taking not one but two swings at him. He lifted his hand and rubbed his jaw, surprised that the only remanent of the brawl was a dull ache. From what he recalled of the night, Ron packed a hard punch.

Outside of his bedroom, Harry heard the sound of a window opening and he immediately shot up in bed. He felt around his beside table - first for his glasses and second for his wand. Once his vision was restored, Harry slipped out of bed and padded quietly to the door, listening carefully. The buzzing noise suddenly stopped and Harry squinted. Someone was moving about in his living room - there was no doubt. He tightened his grip on his wand and ripped the door open, prepared to curse the first thing that moved.

"Oye!" He yelled, "Who the hell do you think you are?!" He bounded into the living room and crossed into his kitchen, his wand squarely pointed at the back of the intruder. Hermione merely glanced over her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

"Honestly, Harry," she said, turning her attention back to the food cooking on the stove range. "Put your wand down before you kill one of us and sit down."

Harry stared at his friend's back, dumbfounded. His slowly lowered his wand hand to his side and glanced about his flat, taking stock of what Hermione had been doing. There was absolutely no dust in sight and when Harry noticed the abandoned vacuum in the middle of his living room, the mysterious buzzing noise was explained. He dropped into a kitchen chair and sighed.

"Jesus, Hermione. What time is it?"

"Half eight," she said.

Harry groaned again. "How long have you been at it, then? And did you sleep at all? We didn't stop talking til at least two in the morning." Harry waited for a response but Hermione remained uncharacteristically quiet.

"Hermione, what is it?"

She turned slightly, glancing at Harry from over her shoulders. When Harry noticed that her cheeks had flushed and the tips of her ears turned pink, he narrowed his eyes.

"Out with it. What'd you do?"

"Well..." she said, clearing her throat. She turned her body so that she was truly facing Harry. Squaring her shoulders, Hermione looked him in his eye. "Okay, Harry. You can't be angry with me. I only did it because I care about you. And I've been worried - we've _all _been worried." She began speaking in that authoritative voice of hers that Harry knew so well but underneath, he could still hear the quaver in her voice. "You've been asleep for two days."

Harry's eyebrows shot up at that, and he began to respond but fell quiet when Hermione lifted her hand to silence him.

"And it's because I... well, I slipped a bit of a sleeping potion into your tea before we retired to bed."

Harry felt the anger rush back in and he stared at Hermione in disbelief. Her cheeks flushed an even deeper red. "You did _what_?" he asked. Harry managed to keep his voice steady but his knuckles turned white as he gripped the edge of the table.

"It was just a half dosage. Nothing much. I didn't expect you to sleep for longer than four days-"

"_Four_ days... Are you mad?!"

"And of course I diluted it with the dreamless sleep potion-"

"You _mixed_ potions?!" Hermione dropped her gaze to the floor with obvious contrition. "Hermione, you have no way of knowing how those potions could have interacted with one another. God, I could have been put into a coma! _You _could have put me into a coma!"

At Harry's accusation, Hermione looked back at him but her remorse quickly faded so that she merely looked insulted. She even had the gall to roll her eyes.

"Please. If there's one person who knows how to handle potions and the potential mixing hazards, it's me. I wouldn't have put you into danger. Much danger, that is. And yes, I know that I was wrong and I'm _sorry_. Ron about bit off my head when I told him what I'd done but Harry..." Hermione stared at him with pleading eyes. "Please don't tell me that you weren't exhausted. You were being stretched so thin... and you needed the sleep. Just a few days to recuperate and no have to think about anything..."

Harry watched her. One one hand, he was furious. Hermione had essentially drugged him and the very act was an incredible violation of his trust. But on the other hand... Harry sighed. She _was _right. All of this anger and keeping the darkness at bay? Harry was tired, all of the time. Somedays he hardly had the energy to pull himself out of bed. He rubbed his hands over his face and glanced at Hermione again. His resolve to be furious with her evaporated.

"There's no way that it'll ever be okay, Hermione." At that, she nodded. "But... but I s'pose I understand why you would have thought about it. I... You're right. I am tired. And if I'm completely honest, I do feel better now." Harry offered her a small smile. "And I think I'm going to go see Luna today. You know, come clean and just ask for her forgiveness." Hermione raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth, but Harry shook his head. "No, stop. I know that you think I'm out of my head but... But I love her. And I was a total ass the last time we spoke. Don't try to talk me out of it, either. If Luna'll have me back? Everything will change. I can feel it."

"And if she says no?"

Harry shrugged one shoulder. "Well... I'll have to move forward then, won't it?"

Hermione bit her lower lip and glanced at Harry. He instantly noticed the guilt on her face once more and began to panic.

"What? What now?"

"Harry... I..."

"Hermione, _what_?!" he barked.

"Don't yell at me, okay? While you were asleep... I went to visit Luna." Harry stared at her in disbelief. "I had to know her side of things."

"Her side of things? Christ, Hermione! It wasn't your place!" Harry jumped from his seat and began pacing the length of his small kitchen. "Who the hell do you think you are? You're completely out of line!"

"I am your _friend_, Harry! I was worried about you and I needed to make sure that Luna hadn't-"

"Hadn't what?! Hadn't cursed me into falling in love with her? Why couldn't you have just left it be? Left me be?!" Harry began tearing at his hair. Hermione stepped forward and reached a hand out to stop his crazed gait. At her touch, he rounded on her and pushed a finger into her face.

"Don't you dare touch me," he said through gritted teeth. He grabbed his wand from the kitchen table and in a few long strides, bounded out of the door. Hermione was still trying to process what had gone so terribly wrong with the loud pop signaled that Harry had left.


	7. Chapter 7

_3 February, 2003_

_Miss Luna Lovegood, _

_Editor-in-Chief of _The Quibbler

_Miss Lovegood, _

_ We have never before corresponded and I am quite aware that this may seem quite untoward, but I implore you - please keep reading. I have an incredible and rare opportunity to offer you. But first, let me begin by saying that I am and have been a devoted fan and follower of _The Quibbler_, your work, and your father's work since I was a boy. I was a student at Hogwart's while you were in attendance but I never mustered the courage to approach you. If I may be so forward as to say, you are quite intimidating. Your profound and unmatched intelligence coupled by your achievements with the publication have left me in awe. _

_ My name is Rolf Scamander. My late great-grandfather was Newton Scamander, the author of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_. Following the events of the Second War, I seem to have fallen into his footsteps and am now a magizoologist. In fact, my career path is the reason why I am writing to you._

_ I am planning on compiling a supplementary volume to my great-grandfather's book. I will go through each and every beast, travelling to whatever part of the globe that they inhabit, and update the files that he compiled. I intended on studying the changes in the beasts habitats, behavior, et cetera, etc. And I am requesting that you, Miss Lovegood, accompany me on this journey._

_ If you're still reading, and I desperately hope that you are, you're undoubtedly asking yourself why I sought you out, after never before having met. As I mentioned previously, I am a devoted fan of your work and have noticed the turn that _The Quibbler_ has taken since you took over editorship from your father. Quite plainly, your articles (the ones that you personally quill) are naturalist in nature. I understand you to be an accomplished Herbologist, specializing in rare and exotic flora species. Accompanying me in my journey will offer your the opportunity to visit very remote locations - all over the world - and to study flora to your heart's content. And, if I may be so bold to suggest, perhaps broaden your sights to the fauna that we will encounter. I've also singled you out as a co-author to this supplementary volume. Your expertise in Herbology and mastery over language will be absolutely essential in completing this project. (Naturally, you will receive credit as co-author and we will share any profits that are made.) _

_ I've taken up enough of your time. I plan on setting out on the expedition by the end of September, this year. All arrangements have been made and expenses, paid. All that remains is for you to consider my proposal. Please write me with any questions that you have and I will respond as soon as I possibly can. If you decide to accept, I would love to arrange a meeting to discuss details. _

_ I will be eagerly awaiting your owl._

_ Yours very sincerely,_

_ Rolf Scamander_

Luna read the letter three more times before she allowed herself a moment to even consider the possibility of accepting Mr. Scamander's offer. She was very familiar with Newt Scamander's iconic work and the idea of playing a central role in a supplementary volume was... Well, it was the most exciting thing to happen to Luna in months.

Since Harry had essentially killed the mockery of the relationship they shared months before.

Luna squeezed her eyes shut. _You will _not _think about him, damn it, _she coached herself. Luna took a deep breath and opened her eyes, searching for a quill and a spare roll of parchment. At the very least, she would request a meeting with him to discuss the trip - without obligating herself to the journey. Before she could dip her quill into the pot of ink, the bell sounded at the door. Luna sighed.

"Coming! Just a moment," she called, as she made her way to the front door. She couldn't remember the last time she had a visitor call on her... or a _friend_ for that matter. In fact, it had been a long time since she considered her personal life. It was easier that way.

Luna pulled open her door to reveal a very nervous Hermione Granger on her front steps. She struggled to hide her surprise and Hermione's cheeks tinged pink.

"Luna, hello. I'm glad that you're here," Hermione said, by way of greeting.

"Hello, Hermione. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Luna opened her door further, inviting Hermione into her home. The other woman hesitated, staring into the room beyond. Luna offered her a small smile. "Don't worry. I never had the erumpent horn replaced." Hermione blanched, which only confirmed Luna's suspicions. "And my father no longer lives her. Come along, Hermione. I'll make us tea."

Hermione nodded and squared her shoulders. "But before I come in," she began. Luna turned and glanced at Hermione from over her shoulder. "You should really know that I've come to talk about Harry and what happened between the two of you." Hermione stared at Luna, no doubt analyzing her reaction.

Luna sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I s'pose that a large pot of tea is in order then."

Hermione nodded once more and followed Luna inside.


	8. Chapter 8

Luna fixed Hermione with a steady gaze as Hermione looked around her kitchen and shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Despite her forwardness at Luna's door, Hermione quickly descended into a nervous silence as soon as the two women were seated at Luna's kitchen table. Luna found it rather odd to see Hermione in such a state – usually she was self-assured and completely confident in her motives. This jittery person in front of her was nearly a stranger. Luna stifled a smile and averted her eyes, letting Hermione off the hook for the moment. _Yes, Hermione certainly is different_, Luna thought. But the war had changed everyone and Hermione was not completely altered. After all, she had intruded on Luna's peace and privacy, and demanded details of the most intimate and secret parts of her life.

It seemed as though Hermione was waiting for Luna to break the uncomfortable silence but Luna was absolutely comfortable with waiting for Hermione to explain herself. In fact, she was almost enjoying Hermione's obvious internal struggle. She had never been genuinely kind to Luna, and never gave anything to her by way of friendship other than a few pleasantries in passing. Hermione finally cleared her throat and Luna glanced back at her.

"I hope that you don't mind me saying this but you seem like you've changed a lot," Hermione said. Luna raised her eyebrow and found that she was at a loss for words. She expected Hermione to demand the details of her relationship with Harry Potter… not to remark on the transformation that Luna had experienced. Hermione finally looked at Luna, and Luna responded with a small shrug.

"I think it is common knowledge that war seems to alter everyone, even in the slightest way. The things that we both experienced, however different, irrevocably changed us. It is one of the horrors of war, in my opinion. Don't you feel different?"

Hermione paused to think, but only for a second. "Of course I feel different. I can't help but _feel _different. But at my core, I still am the same… but you… You're _different_, Luna. You're no longer airy… or flighty." At least Hermione had the courtesy to look embarrassed by her description.

"Yes, well. I suppose I was violently brought down to earth after my father's break down, his betrayal of _you_, being snatched in the night by Death Eaters, and tortured _daily_ at the Lestrange manor. And when it was all over, did I come back to a broken yet fixable home? No." Luna paused for a moment and fought to retain control over her voice. Once she was certain that she could speak steadily and without coloring her words with rage did she continue. "No," she said softly. "My father was insane. Babbling and bumbling. He was a mere shadow of the man that he once was… a shell, if you will, of his former self. And I could not care for him. He lost his mind, quite literally, because of me."

"But surely you know that it wasn't your fault," Hermione said, softly.

"I realize how irrational that guilt is, but the root of it is true. His love for me caused his downfall. It took me a very long time to be able to look at myself in a mirror after I sent him to St. Mungo's. But you're not here to recount the aftermath of the Second War, are you? You're here for the details of my relationship with Harry. I don't know what it is you're looking for specifically, but I am afraid that you'll be disappointed. Harry and I haven't spoken in several months."

Hermione hesitated for a moment, surprised by Luna's sudden brusqueness. "I-Well… I…" Luna levelled Hermione with another of her penetrating stares, which only caused Hermione to become more uncomfortable. Her cheeks flushed red. "I apologize for intruding on you like this. I realize now how rude it was of me. The truth is… Harry is heading downhill and quickly. He's begun drinking again and had a physical row with Ron a few nights ago. And then he…" Hermione fixed her gaze on Luna, carefully watching for any reaction. "He said that he was in love with you."

Luna winced, despite her efforts not to. The pain of the past few months had finally diminished to a dull ache. At first, after that horrible day in which he had made his decision, any mention of Harry was debilitating, heart breaking. Luna was able to contain herself in public and act as though she was a disinterested friend. God, she was an amazing actress. But behind closed doors… it was as though her world was crumbling around her, over and over again.

Thankfully, Hermione possessed enough grace to allow Luna a moment to collect herself. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"He's mistaken," Luna said simply. She opened her eyes and glanced back to Hermione. "I'm sorry to hear that he's struggling but I don't see how his behavior has anything to do with me. Perhaps he's latching on to me because his relationship with Ginny failed."

Hermione narrowed her eyes and watched Luna carefully. "Failed? You don't know what happened between them, do you?"

"No. It is none of my business nor do I truly want to know what happened."

"He proposed to Ginny-"

"Hermione, please. I don't want to hear this-" Luna's voice fell dangerously close to begging but Hermione continued with her story, raising the volume of her voice slightly. Just so that she was speaking over Luna.

"He proposed to Ginny and she said yes. And then three weeks later, he broke it off with her. With absolutely no explanation. He said that he wasn't in love with her and didn't want to promise her a life that he had no interest in. He was fine for _four_ years and then suddenly, it was as though we were nineteen again and the war had just ended. He's drinking, and he's fighting, and he's _mean_. And then he tells me, quite out of nowhere, that he's in love with _you_. At first I didn't believe it… I thought he was drunk and spouting off nonsense. But now that I'm looking at you," Hermione's voice dropped to just above a whisper. "I think that you're in love with him too."

Luna felt the tears pooling at the bottom of her eyes and she glared at Hermione. Suddenly, her careful restraint snapped and she felt the anger and hurt of the past months rushing back in. "Yes. What do you want me to say? Yes, I am in love with him. I don't want to be the reason why he broke off his engagement and I certainly don't want to be the reason why he's a drunk." Luna let out an angry sigh as the tears began to run down her cheeks. She swatted at them, but continued to glare at Hermione. "But he made his decision. So it's him who you should be having this conversation with. Not me," Luna spat at Hermione and jumped up from her chair. She grabbed the mugs of untouched tea and threw them into her sink.

"Luna! Please, just sit down!"

Luna rounded on Hermione and shot her an accusing stare. "It has taken me _months _to heal and you've undone it all in a matter of minutes. What do you want from me, Hermione?"

The two women glared at each other for a moment before Hermione softened her stare.

"I am desperately afraid for my friend. I love him and I am willing to do _anything _to understand why he's doing this to himself." Hermione slowly rose and approached Luna. In a quick movement, Hermione reached out and grabbed Luna's hand. "I think that you can help me understand and I would do… anything. Please, Luna…" Hermione began to plead.

The tears continued to fall steadily down her face but Luna looked at Hermione, studying her face. Hermione's jaw was clenched tightly, as if set in hard determination. Her eyes were, like her voice, pleading. Luna could instantly see the anxiety that Hermione was feeling due to Harry's current situation, and she felt her resolve to shut Hermione out falter.

Luna sighed softly and wiped once more at her eyes. She gestured to their abandoned chairs, motioning that Hermione should sit again. "Just… Give me a moment will you?" Hermione nodded and walked back to her chair. Luna watched her sit before walking into the small powder room that was just off of her kitchen. Luna closed the door behind her and turned to her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

"You can do this," she whispered to her image, and turned on the faucet. Cold water spluttered and coughed as it flowed through the pipes and finally began to fill the small porcelain bowl. Luna turned the knob off and splashed her face with the water, hoping that the cold would somehow summon her strength.

When she walked back into her kitchen, Hermione looked up at her expectantly and offered a small, sad smile. Luna crossed the room and sat gracefully onto her chair, as though her outburst from a few minutes ago never occurred. "What do you want to know, Hermione?"

"Just start at the beginning. I just want to understand."

Luna nodded and folded her hands on the table in front of her. Once more, she levelled Hermione with a steady stare. "It all started when Harry stumbled into my garden, drunk, at two in the morning."


	9. Chapter 9

"So, Harry started showing up at your house each morning. And you just accepted it?"

Luna shrugged. "I was lonely. My father had recently been sent to a long term care facility run by St. Mungo's and I couldn't adjust to an empty house. At first… it was difficult to be alone." Hermione nodded as though she understood.

"What did the two of you do? Talk about?"

"For the first few months, we barely spoke other than to remark on the weather. Harry would simply help me in my garden or with various chores around the house. He would usually come over at around half nine in the morning and we'd work for a few hours. I'd fix us lunch and he'd head home. I suppose to meet Ginny."

Hermione frowned at that. "And Ginny didn't know the entire time? You two were meeting daily and she had absolutely no idea."

Luna glanced at Hermione and raised an eyebrow. "On the contrary, Ginny knew exactly where Harry was each morning. He never lied about his whereabouts and she had no issues with it. At least, not that she said out loud. Not many women view me as a threat. I don't appreciate your accusations, Hermione."

"Luna, I wasn't-"

"But you were. Harry and I are not and never were clandestine lovers meeting in secret trysts. Our friendship was built upon a foundation of mutual loneliness and the need for uncomplicated companionship. Much like when we were at Hogwarts. That is all." Luna sipped her tea and watched Hermione's reaction over the brim of her mug. Hermione's face fell from anger at the thought of Harry's supposed infidelity to hurt because she finally understood. In some of his darkest times, Harry had turned to Luna and not to her.

"But… But Ron and I. We were always here. We have always been here for Harry. I just don't understand…" She glanced down at the table top, frowning.

"Yes, well, the key difference is that you and Ron are in a relationship."

"I don't see why that would make any difference. We didn't stop being Harry's friends when we began seeing each other," Hermione said petulantly.

"I can't read Harry's mind but I believe he didn't want to intrude upon your happiness. And, as always, I was there to fill the void."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at Luna. "I still don't see how a friendship like yours could have evolved into _love_."

Luna raised her eyebrow and felt her cheeks flush. _Breathe_, she thought. "You know, Hermione. In all the years I've known you, you've always walked the line between coldly kind and pretentious. I don't often allow condescension to affect me but that doesn't mean that I'll roll over and take it anymore. You came here, quite unwelcome, to collect the details regarding a time of my life that I hold very private. And when I answer your questions truthfully, you're rude. Yes, a friendship like _ours _evolved into love. I am sorry that the thought of Harry possessing feelings for me offends you. But I am _not _sorry that it happened. Now, we'll either continue this conversation or you may see yourself out. I believe you know where the door is."

Hermione blanched and Luna noticed her knuckles turn white as she clenched her fists. "Fine," she said through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry. But see things from my perspective. You and Harry were always friendly with one another but I never thought that you saw each other in any other light."

Luna nodded. "I understand that but I will not take the insults any longer. But you're right about one thing. He and I were always friendly but it never crossed over into anything else. Remember – we had months of silent camaraderie before our friendship turned into anything else. Harry barely spoke to me the first few months… He'd just see to the tasks that I set out for him and leave. I think that he appreciated having a purpose, really. We both know that he wasn't working at the time and when he'd arrive in the morning… he was listless. Like he hadn't slept or like he had spent time pacing back and forth anxious to get out of his flat. Honestly, he frightened me. Harry was so tightly coiled and had such a nervous energy about him. That first night, when he drunk, he turned on me so quickly that I was afraid. And I knew that version of Harry was just under the surface…. And if I pushed the wrong way or said the wrong thing, he'd snap."

"I know exactly what you're talking about," Hermione said quietly. "He's been like that for ages."

"But then, everything changed. I am not sure exactly what happened in his life because I never asked for details, but I think that Ginny was just recruited for the Cannons. And one night, Harry showed up at my door… drunk, again." Luna paused and looked at Hermione. "I feel that I'm betraying him by telling you this."

Hermione frowned. "I don't know what you want me to say, Luna. If you don't want to tell me, then you don't have to."

Luna sighed and glanced out her window. "No, I guess it's time that I talk about it. It's hard, you know, not having friends. For a long time, for four years, Harry was the only person who consistently sought me out. And then we just stopped speaking and I've been so lonely ever since." Luna frowned slightly and glanced back at Hermione. "Anyway, one night, Harry showed up drunk as ever… but it was different. He wasn't angry or violent. He just seemed defeated and miserable. I couldn't very well turn him away so he came in; I made him tea and let him brood in my kitchen. I made up the sofa because I assumed he was going to pass out and when I turned – he was right there behind me..."


	10. Chapter 10

Luna jumped at the knock at her door and immediately glanced at her clock. It was nearly midnight and she had no reason to expect that anyone would call on her. Her heart instantly began to hammer within her chest and she snatched her wands off of the table that sat next to her lounge chair. The knocking sounded again, and the force of the person on the other side of her door rattled her door jamb. Luna pulled her dressing gown tighter around her and readied her wand into a defensive position, just in case. She slowly rose and crossed her sitting room. Another sudden bout of pounding sounded again and Luna jumped violently. Reaching out her hand, she held fast to the knob and pulled her door open, levelling her wand to what she hoped was face level to her unwelcomed guest.

"Reveal yourself," she said, sternly. "I will not hesitate to curse you."

The soft glow of her the fire in the room behind her reflected off of Harry's glasses as he stepped into the room. Harry spared a glance at Luna but remained silent as he pushed past her and collapsed onto her couch. The unmistakeable scent of hard liquor lingered in Harry's wake and Luna sighed, closing the door. She turned around and crossed to her chair, watching Harry with concerned eyes. Her heart hadn't stopped hammering yet.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack, Harry. I enjoy your company but some warning next time-"

Harry groaned loudly and pushed his glasses up to the top of his head. He ran his hands over his face, as if he were exhausted, and looked towards Luna. She was startled by how much more green his eyes looked without the glasses in front of them. Luna knew that he was drunk but his eyes were suprising alert. He seemed... together. Harry replaced his glasses onto his face and pushed himself into a sitting position, and stared at Luna as if he were appraising her. She shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"Yer eyes're blue," Harry said, leaning towards her. Luna frowned at his slurred speech and leaned back slightly. The scent of fire whiskey clung hard to Harry's words, apparently his choice drink. "And yer hair. It's like... it's like sunflowers." Harry blinked at his own description and then let out a soft laugh, as if he realized how ridiculous he sounded. "I dunno why I never noticed it before."

"My hair has always been this color, and the same for my eyes. But I'm not sure why you're talking about that and I'm not sure why you're here at this time, Harry." Luna ran a self concious hand over her hair, unsure if Harry was mocking her or not. He seemed to be the only person who could shake her rock solid confidence. Harry watched her for a moment longer before glancing at the fire.

"Ginny's gone," Harry said. Luna blinked at Harry, surprised. He and Ginny had been together for several years now, ever since the end of the War, and their relationship seemed solid - permanent. For them to so suddenly break up...? Luna instantly felt guilty as a wave of hope washed over her. If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that she had always harbored a bit of a crush on Harry Potter. But it was the kind of crush that a little girl has on her best friend's older brother. Harry was out of reach - he was out of her league - and Luna knew that. She was thankful for his friendship and never allowed herself to hope for anything more. But now...

"The Chudley Cannons picked her up," Harry said. "I'm the boyfriend of a _star_." Luna felt the fragile bubble of hope pop and she slumped down into her chair. _Of course_, she chastised herself.

"Ah, wonderful. Congratulations are in order then," she said quietly. She vaguely wondered how quickly she could shoo Harry home... Typically she looked forward his company but Luna did not think she could stomach listening to how great Ginny was for very long. Luna liked Ginny well enough - she had always been kind and went out of her way to speak with her - but to hear about her many accomplishments and how everyone adored her... It was just too much.

Harry snorted at her comment. "Congratulations, right, thanks. Just what I want. Another reason to be in the public eye, another standard to live up to." Harry's voice dropped to a mumble and Luna had to actively pay attention to hear what he was saying. "Another god damn nail in the coffin of that relationship."

"What do you mean, Harry?"

Harry blinked at her in surprise. "Whut?"

"You mentioned your relationship..."

"Oh, that." He leaned forward and looked at Luna. "It's just... you know," he said. Luna shook her head.

"I really don't."

"I dunno. We don't see each other as is. And now she'll be gone on matches and tours. And here I'll be... The famous Potter, the Chosen One," he spat. "Rotting. Doing nothing."

"You're not rotting, Harry," Luna said, leaning forward. She began to extend her hand towards him but thought better of it.

"No? I feel like I am. My purpose has come and gone and I thought I'd feel peace... but I don't. Luna, I don't feel anything. Just anger and confusion and..." He turned his gaze towards her. "Except..." Luna raised her eyebrows expectantly and Harry's voice dropped back down. "Sometimes I feel... It's just that, when I'm with you... Everything, all of the noise, seems to quiet down."

Luna let out the breath she had been holding and stared at Harry. It was nowhere near an admission of feelings but it was the most genuine Harry had ever been with her. He turned a questioning gaze on her.

"And why is that, Luna? Why is it _you _who does this to me?"

"Sometimes the most unlikely of relationships can offer you solace in ways you never knew-"

"Is it that unlikely... this _friendship_ that we have?"

Luna shrugged. "I suppose not. We were both sort of outsiders and I think we recognized that in each other. And I like to listen. I don't think that you realize that about me... but I do."

Harry snorted. "And you don't expect anything of me."

"What more would I ask of you?"

"I don't know. To be heroic all of the bloody time and so damn noble, and righteous. And to make something of myself. To get up off've my arse and get a damn job. Be another prodigy Auror or some other shit thing that I really don't want. I just want to be _Harry _and be left alone."

Luna smiled softly to herself and couldn't help but think that Harry sounded a bit like an overgrown child on a rampage. She couldn't blame him for feeling the way that he did but Harry always seemed so caught up in the throws of some intense emotion that he didn't see his situation for what it actually was. He _was _just Harry Potter, and for the most part, the world had been leaving him alone and allowing him space away from the spot light. Luna suspected that Harry was fighting the demons inside, rather than attempting to keep the world at bay. Harry happened to look at Luna as she was smiling and his look instantly darkened.

"What? What's funny?" He barked at her and Luna dropped the amused expression from her face.

"It's not funny, Harry. I just don't think you're able to see things very clearly," Luna said. She glanced at him, hoping to catch his eyes but he stared darkly into the fire. "I think that our world _does_ expect you to be heroic and righteous but can you blame them? You've been singled out as, forgive me, our savior and you've done that job." Harry let out a sharp laugh at the mention of the word savior but Luna continued speaking over him. "You will always be held to a standard and perhaps that isn't fair, but that's just your lot in this life. You can rise up to meet the situation or your can wallow in self pity and anger. So far you've risen up time and again, but you're giving up. So, be an Auror or don't be - that's your decision. I'm sure that someone will always have something to say about your decisions but who cares? Honestly, who gives a bloody shit?" Harry's eyebrows shot up at the sound of Luna swearing and he stared at her. "Because, at the end of the day, you do have the Weasleys, and Herimone. And they love you and who _cares _what anyone else has to say?"

Harry stared at Luna. She couldn't decide if he was angry or simply taking a moment to digest her mini speech. He nodded for a few moments before he slowly stood and made his way to Luna's front door. She jumped up and hurried across the room after him.

"Harry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Harry glanced over his shoulder and offered her a curt nod. "No, you said exactly what I needed to hear. I'm sorry for intruding on you, Luna." Harry opened her door, stepped in to the night and gently pulled the door shut behind him. Luna stared at the close door, horrifed. Never in a hundred years would Luna intentionally try to hurt Harry's feelings and the fact that he had reacted so strongly to her words... Tears began to well in her eyes and she simply stood there.

Her door burst back open and Harry walked to Luna in a few short strides. He slipped an arm around her waist and pull her gently to him, his mouth at her ear.

"You were right. And I have you," he whispered. "And you are what gets me through."

Harry pressed a soft kiss to Luna's cheek and was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

"And that's how it started," Luna said. "Well, you know what I mean."

Hermione watched Luna for a long moment. Her eyebrows were pulled tightly together and her bottom lip was between her teeth. Luna fixed her with a steady stare, and prayed that none of her emotions were betrayed on her face. Four years had passed since that particular night with Harry and the thought of it made butterflies erupt in her stomach. Butterflies, immediately and inevitably followed by the crushing reality of what their relationship had been reduced to.

Hermione cleared hear throat gently and Luna was pulled, unwilling, back into the present moment. "I still don't understand," Hermione began. "You had a crush on Harry whilst back at Hogwarts, okay. I'll accept that. And then the two of you formed a special bond, and eventually grew to love one another. I think that I can accept that too. But in all that time, nothing happened between the two of you? God, that must've been… years of…" Hermione paused, attempting to get the timeline straight.

"Four years, actually," Luna said quietly. Four agonizing years spent in a maddening limbo. Four years that Luna spent delighting in Harry's presence, cherishing his soft, secret smiles that he gave to her… and four years that she spent aching for him to touch her. Just once, even if only in passing… even if by accident.

"Four years," Hermione echoed. "And you never once-"

"Never," Luna snapped. Hermione was beginning to overstay her welcome and Luna's patience for her insinuations was quickly running thin. "We never kissed, touched, anything. You're digging for details that do not exist and I know that I've told you that before."

Hermione blanched and opened her mouth, stammering out an apology. "Luna, I'm sorry. This is just very-"

"Unexpected. Yes, I know," Luna said, her voice picking up a mean tone. "And it seems to me that, if you must continue on with your notion that Harry was not faithful to Ginny, your problem should be with him. Only with him. And before you attempt to say that I was the wedge between them, I'll kindly ask you to leave. It was lovely to see you again, Hermione, and I am glad that all is well with you and with Ron. But I won't allow you to barge into my home like this again. I've told you all that there is to tell. Harry and I fell in love with one another, quite accidentally, but he honored Ginny in all areas of their relationship. His decision to break things off with her was entirely his alone and like I've said, I haven't spoken to him in three months. And I'd like to remind you that Harry wasn't the only person to suffer because of this ordeal. I sat quietly by, for _years_, while he remained in a relationship with Ginny. I never once asked him to leave her or for him to choose me. I just waited, and prayed, and hoped…" Luna took a tight breath and willed the tears not to form. _Please, just this once…_ "But in the end, he chose her and that was it. There is nothing more for me to say on the subject. Now, if you would be so kind. I have other responsibilities that I need to see to."

Luna gestured at a small pile of parchment rolls that were stacked at the end of her kitchen table. She quickly found Rolf Scamander's letter amongst the other inquiries and suddenly, Luna felt exhausted. Hermione stood and pulled her handbag over her shoulder. She offered one last look to Luna filled with – what? Confusion, annoyance, condescension… _pity_. Luna definitely saw the pity in Hermione's eyes but could not muster the energy to feel any certain way about it. Perhaps, after all, she deserved someone's pity. Perhaps Luna deserved for someone to understand what she went through, even if just superficially.

"I, well. Thank you for your time, Luna. And… I'm sorry," Hermione said. She nodded once before turning and exiting through the sitting room and finally, out the door. As soon as Luna heard the latch click, an enormous weight felt lifted from her chest. Luna looked back at Rolf's letter and pulled it to her, her eyes darting over his request once more.

Simply stated, the opportunity sounded amazing. Truly, a once in a life time endeavor and if passed up, Luna knew that she would regret it. But could she bring herself to leave her home? A few years ago, she would not have hesitated to go with Scamander and see the world but now? Things were no longer that simple. Luna had placed her father in a long term care facility owned by St. Mungo's and never once allowed herself to feel so though he had not been abandoned. Could she leave her home too?

Could she bring herself to leave Harry?

Luna laughed to herself and searched for a fresh sheet of parchment. _Leave Harry? Are you mad? He left _you_. He hasn't bothered to even say hello since that night…_ She pulled a quill and an ink pot to her side and began to pen her response to Scamander. Seven months would be plenty of time to put her affairs in order for an extended stay away… seven months to make amends and tie up loose ends.

Luna nodded to herself and set to her task.

_4 February  
Mr. Rolf Scamander_

_Mr. Scamander,_

_I was flattered to receive your inquiry and would enjoy a meeting to discuss the details and particulars at your earliest convenience. Please let me know the date and time of your choice, and we can meet at the Leaky Cauldron in London._

_Sincerely,_

_Luna Lovegood  
Editior-in-Chief, _The Quibbler


	12. Chapter 12

Harry paced outside of Luna's house, attempting to shake the anger that he felt towards Hermione and the nervous energy that was flowing through his veins at the thought of facing Luna again. Hermione's face flashed before his eyes and Harry felt his anger spike once more. _She had _no_ right, _he thought to himself. _No bloody right. We were _fine. _We. Were. Fine. And now… Christ, who knows the damage she's done? _Harry ran his fingers through his hair frantically, and felt strands come away in his fingers. He couldn't figure out what to do with himself and knew that if he did not calm down, he would be only moments away from a panic attack.

He shot a glance up at the house before him and his nervous pacing slowed. It was nearly 9:30 in the morning and yet, Luna had not made an appearance outside. Typically she was out in her garden by 8:45 at the very latest, despite it being February and freezing. Most of her plants lay either dormant or dead, but that didn't stop Luna from walking amongst them and planning, Harry supposed, for what she would do when spring came round again. And what would he do when she finally appeared? He hadn't quite gotten to that part of his plan yet and Harry had no idea how he would gather the courage to face her, let alone to speak with her. Luna could disarm him with a simple glance while they were _friends_… who knew what power she would hold over him now, with everything that had happened.

_Hermione had no right to intrude on Luna and I have even less of a right than her, _Harry reminded himself. If Luna asked him to leave, he would have to respect that. But Harry knew himself and he _knew _that he would lash out at her in anger. He rubbed his palms together and winced at the sticky, sweaty feeling that accompanied the action. _But what are you going to say to her, you bloody arse? _

_The truth, perhaps?_

Harry snorted at himself and resumed his frantic gait. What would the truth accomplish but to open up wounds that had nearly begun to heal over, for both him and for Luna? _And Christ, what _is_ the truth? _That he, Harry Potter, was too much of a coward to own to his feelings for Luna and to pay her the respect that she deserved. That he allowed himself to succumb to the expectations of the world around him by staying in a relationship that he did not want… only to please others. And, most horribly, that Harry was _afraid_ of what a life with Luna Lovegood looked like. It did not matter that she was the only person in the entire universe who seemed to understand him completely, who accepted him completely, and apparently loved him unconditionally.

Of course, Harry knew that Ron and Hermione would always be there for him… waiting with open arms, unconditionally. But they were with each other now and Harry did not feel right expecting and wanting them to be there to pick up the pieces after him. Harry would never admit it, but he craved the devotion that he saw between his two friends and longed for another person to share that kind of bond with. Of course, he had Ginny and she stuck with him through more than her fair share of his issues but there was never a connection between the two of them. Ginny harbored a serious _crush_ on him during her youth, and Harry liked her well enough… but that was all. Did he love Ginny Weasley? Sure, but he also loved Hermione and there were times that Harry failed to understand how that _type_ of love differed between the two women.

Ginny gave Harry a good time. She was one his first drinking buddies after the War and she could keep up with him, which served as a more than adequate distraction from the turbulence that was stirring inside of him. Yes, they had _fun _and that was great for a 19 year old who found himself newly emancipated in the world. And of course his friends loved their relationship. Harry already considered himself a part of the Weasley family and, with Hermione now seriously with Ron and Harry with Ginny, their family unit seemed that much closer and complete.

But the good times quickly fell into drinking _too _much and Harry's darkness eventually began to surface. Though Ginny never left the relationship, she began to distance herself once she realized just how damaged Harry actually was. Ginny was unfailingly there for Harry – on his good days. But those days became progressively fewer and further between, and soon enough Ginny was deciding to finish up her schooling at Hogwarts after all and she was gone. Harry would go months without seeing her, and weeks between correspondences, and suddenly – she'd come back for a few days or a week, and they'd pick up where they left off. Harry would pull himself together and put on a good show for Ginny, and they'd descend into a few days' worth of heavy drinking and partying and before he knew it, she would be gone again.

That was their relationship for a year or two, and then, one night, Harry happened to stumble into Luna Lovegood's garden and _everything _changed.

Harry glanced down at his timepiece and growled when he saw that it was only 10 in the morning. There was still no sign of Luna and his patience was nearly gone. He gave one last glance at her door before squaring his shoulders and crossing over the lane to her gate. He stomped up her front path and pounded his fist against her door.

"Luna! Luna, open up! It's," Harry paused, his voice dropping down to just above a whisper. "It's Harry." He cleared his throat. "We need to speak." Harry waited a few moments, listening hard, and began pounding his fist against her door once more. His knocks became louder and more violent until her door was creaking and her windows shuddering in their panels. "Luna!" Harry shouted and felt his fragile hold on calm break away.

"Sir! Sir!" Harry rounded at the foreign voice and watched as an older man hurried up the path towards Harry. "She's not home!" The stranger looked up at Harry and studied his face for a moment before realization dawned. "Bless me soul. Mr. Potter." The two men stared at one another for a moment before Harry cleared his throat.

"Where is she then?"

The man stared at Harry with a confused look before shaking his head vigorously. "Oh, Luna. Yes, of course." He chuckled nervously and Harry felt his anger being to spark. "London, sir. She's been in London for the past few days and I suspect she'll be home this evening. I was just," the man paused and closed the distance between himself and Harry. He bent down and scooped up a few envelopes from Luna's porch. "I was just coming to collect her post. I'm her neighbor," he said, and motioned vaguely towards a distant hill where Harry could see a thin stream of smoke curl above the trees. "Luna asked me to collect her post as she'd be gone for a day or two."

Harry blinked at that and glanced down at the parchment in the man's hands. He offered his hand up. "I'll keep them. I'm waiting for her to return."

"But, Mr. Potter… She won't be home until well into the evening." The man tightened his grip on Luna's mail and frowned slightly at Harry.

"Yes, and I'll be here. Waiting. Now, her letters please, Mr…." Harry glanced at the man expectantly.

The man's frown deepened and he mumbled his name, too quietly for Harry to hear. Reluctantly, he handed the post to Harry and backed up slowly, glancing up at Harry once more. Harry shook his head and turned back to face Luna's front door, not bothering to see if her neighbor was walking away or still staring at Harry with a horrified expression. He didn't care.

_London_, he thought. Harry glanced down at his watch once more and saw that only ten minutes had elapsed since he last checked the time. So, he would wait for her. Harry slid down to Luna's stoop and leaned against her door jamb. He pulled his coat tighter around him and glanced down at the small bundle of envelopes. Most were posted from various business addresses around the country but one caught Harry's eye. The return address was from "_R. Scamander," _and the name made Harry frown. He knew it for some reason but couldn't place from where. Harry shrugged his shoulders slightly and placed the mail on the stoop beside him. He had bigger issues to think over than who was writing to Luna and why.

Harry stared at the trees in the distance, still unsure of what he would say to Luna if she'd hear him out. _That I'm sorry? _Harry sighed. The word "sorry" had come out of his mouth too many times for it to hold any real value anymore. Luna deserved better, as she always had. _Better than me. I'm a fucking arse,_ Harry thought darkly and he knew it was true. The entire reason he turned away from Luna in the first place was that he was afraid of what others would say if the two entered into a serious relationship. Luna had a reputation that Harry didn't think he could face day after day. But the minute he left her house those months ago, after essentially choosing Ginny, Harry had felt shattered. As though someone had repeatedly stabbed him in the gut.

He knew instantly that he made the wrong decision but his damned pride was kept him from begging for her to take him back, to choose him. A few days after their conversation, Harry broke things off with Ginny. She had been surprised but Harry suspected that Ginny always knew that he was not fully devoted to a relationship with her. In fact, their break up was a lot less traumatic than Harry would have guessed. Ginny silently accepted his decision and was gone again, back on tour with the Cannons. Truthfully, it was Ron who couldn't accept Harry's decision. At the thought of his best friend, Harry squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, willing all thoughts of Ron away. Harry could only stomach the thought of fixing one relationship right now and his issues with Ron would have to wait.

Harry leaned his head against the door and stared up at the sky. He decided that the only course of action was to ask for Luna to forgive him, and ask her to be his this time. There would be no one else for him… there _could _be no one else for him. Harry knew what losing Luna felt like and nothing had ever compared to that loneliness, that emptiness, before.

Harry closed his eyes…

ooOoOoo

Luna apparated a few feet away from her front gate and paused as she noticed the slumped figure on her step. Frowning, she pulled her wand from beneath her robes and extended it out, ready to curse whoever was lurking there. She quietly made her way towards her house, ignoring the growing unease as she approached the stranger. At one time in her life, Luna could approach anyone with ease but now…

She reached her step and glanced down, surprised and yet, not surprised at all to find that it was Harry Potter. He was fast asleep, his glasses knocked askew on his face and his cheek pressed up against the panel of her door. Luna frowned and debated contacting Hermione to come and collect her friend…. She didn't have the energy to deal with a drunken Harry tonight. Luna didn't have the energy to deal with any kind of Harry tonight, not after Hermione's impromptu visit a few days before.

"Harry, wake up," Luna said, loudly. She nudged the sleeping man with her foot and he jumped awake, staring up at her.

"Luna! You're here!" Harry slowly got to his feet, righting his glasses, and looked at her with a mixture of unease and happiness. Luna felt her heart begin pounding in her chest, the way it always did when she saw Harry's reaction to her.

"Yes, I am. This is my house, after all. Now, you're drunk and I'm going to contact Hermione to take you home. Just wait out-"

"Drunk? I'm not drunk. No, God, of course you'd think I was drunk," Harry muttered to himself. "No, Luna, I'm here to speak with you. I _need_ to speak with you."

Luna sighed and glanced at the small bundle of post in Harry's hands. She reached out and wordlessly took them from him, hoping that her actions would say that she simply didn't want to be around him. He wasn't welcome here anymore.

"I'm tired, Harry. I'm sorry. I've just returned from a business meeting in L-"

"London. Yes, I know," Harry said, eagerly. Luna glanced up at the tone of expectancy in Harry's voice and frowned once more. She could think of no reason why Harry would suddenly appear on her doorstep, _sober_, to speak with her… unless he was here to discuss what happened with Hermione. Harry stepped closer to Luna, filling the small distance between their bodies. Luna shivered tightly as she felt the heat radiating off of Harry's body. "I just… I needed to see you," he said, quietly.

Harry reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and Luna unwillingly closed her eyes. Harry's finger gently touched the side of her face before he pulled his hand away, and Luna opened her eyes, staring at him. Luna willed her eyes to focus. He _touched_ her and a million butterflies erupted inside of her stomach.

"Please," he whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

Luna opened her eyes and squinted against the bright, cheerful light that was streaming in through her windows. The small clock on her bedside table announced that it was only 7:20 in the morning. It felt later than that. Luna breathed in deeply and stared up at her ceiling, willing the details of her night to come rushing back to her so that she could figure out exactly how she ended up in this situation. _I s'pose this is what it feels like to be a drinker_, she mused to herself. Perhaps this disorientation was how Harry felt every morning that he woke up after drinking too much or too hard. The scramble to grasp the fleeting pictures of the night before, and the hunt to figure out who was spoken to and what was said. It was enough to make her feel nauseous and Luna couldn't even blame it on alcohol.

And suddenly, there they were: each excruciating detail and every single tedious moment. Luna recalled every word that Harry spoke to her, every damned glance and, if she put her mind to it, she believed that she could summon every single breath that he took that night.

It began innocently enough. Harry spent the entire day sitting on her stoop, waiting for her to arrive home and when she finally did, he followed her into home. He hid behind the guise of apologizing for Hermione's actions but Luna saw right through him. She never once believed that he spent nine hours in the February cold just so he could apologize for Hermione's stubbornness. Harry underestimated just how well Luna knew him. For those four long years, Luna made it her business to study Harry and to memorize everything about him. She knew his mannerisms and his moods like the back of her hand. Harry would make a face and Luna knew why, or he could pause during a conversation and Luna would be able to fill his silence with a surprisingly accurate guess at what he was thinking.

For four years, Luna existed on the belief that Harry would _never_ be hers and so, the memorization of his character was vital to her. She needed to know every intimate detail about him so that when he was finally gone, she could convince herself that what they shared was real.

But now…

Luna shook her head tightly and closed her eyes. She knew exactly when the night took the turn and it was when Harry decided to spend those long hours waiting for her. He had no guarantee or idea really of when she would return, or _if _she would return. Poor Mr. Williams was probably beside himself if Harry was truthful about their encounter. _I'll need to apologize to him for that_, Luna silently reminded herself. But Harry Potter's temper was no secret to the world.

Luna chuckled softly to herself and started when a low, sleepy moan sounded beside her. She clapped a hand over her mouth and dared to glance over at the sleeping man next to her. Harry looked so young whilst asleep, and the hard lines that he usually carried on his face were completely erased. He looked peaceful. Rested. Luna smiled to herself but quickly pushed her fleeting happiness away. She almost wished that they could say they were drunk and blame it on that, but things would never be that simple for her.

_This will all turn out badly_, Luna reminded herself harshly. And now, after last night, their relationship was infinitely more complicated. A happy ending did not exist for her and Harry – it simply was not in the cards for them. Harry would never admit it to her, and maybe not even to himself, but he was embarrassed by her. The world would always view her as Loony Lovegood, the eccentric daughter of mad Xenophilius Lovegood and editor of _The Quibbler_, the quack publication that would sooner discuss the healing properties of hippogriff talons than report "real" news. Luna did not doubt that Harry loved her deeply but he was far too concerned with what the world thought of him. And she was a fool for allowing him to treat her in such a way. _I'm a fool for many reasons_.

She sighed softly and turned on her side, facing Harry's sleeping form. Luna pulled the sheets up and around her naked form and shivered against the morning cold. She almost feared the moment that Harry awoke because she knew that a good chance existed of him remembering the previous night and being violently repulsed by it. Luna didn't know what she'd do if the first emotion that flew across Harry's eyes was regret. _But if he does regret it, perhaps it'll be easier_. Perhaps Luna would finally convince herself to hate Harry Potter for what he put her through. Merlin knew that had already she tried.

Harry's eyelids began to flutter and Luna braced herself for what might come next. Questions perhaps, or accusations. Harry's eyes remained shut but his left hand reached out for his glasses. Luna sucked in a tight breath and held it, waiting for him to open his eyes and see her. He placed his glasses on his face and glanced over at her. He was silent for a long moment as he studied her face.

"Luna," he said simply, and turned towards her, reaching for her. Luna let out her breath, horrified to hear how closely it resembled a sob. Harry's face fell and he pulled her to him. He propped himself up on his elbow and stared down at her, gently pushing the stray curls away from her face. Harry gazed down at her with such a look of affection that Luna felt her heart shatter – shatter in a completely new way. "What's wrong, love?" Harry bent down and placed a soft kiss on her collar-bone.

"I was so worried," Luna whispered. "I thought you'd wake up and see me and be horrified." Luna struggled to keep her thoughts in line as Harry began to place reverent kisses along the length of her neck and across her the top of her chest. He traced a lazy finger along the fabric that protected the rest of her body from his view.

"Why would I be horrified?" Harry continued his exploration of her exposed skin, and Luna felt goose bumps erupt everywhere.

"I thought that you'd see me and regret everything," Luna said. Harry lifted his head at her answer and stared down at her, his green eyes intense. He lifted a hand and gently placed it against her cheek, but pulled her face so that she had no choice but to return his stare.

"Listen to me," he said quietly. "I've spent every day wanting to touch you. I've spent every day wishing that I could tell you everything that I feel for you. Waking up and seeing you next to me fulfilled every single dream that I've had for the past four years. I will _never_ regret you, Luna." Harry ran his thumb gently over Luna's cheek and she blinked furiously at the tears that were threatening to collect.

"I don't know how this can end okay," Luna said. Harry bent down and kissed her cheek softly.

"Do you love me, Luna?" His voice sounded close to her ear and Luna inhaled sharply. His hand rested against her throat and Luna thought that her skin would burst into flames everywhere his fingers landed on her. He resumed his earlier path, and his lips began their descent towards her neck once more. "Do you love me?" He whispered his words against her skin and Luna shivered.

"You know that I do," she sighed.

He lifted his head and stared down at her. "Then we have nothing to worry about." Harry finally lowered his mouth to hers and Luna responded feverishly. She placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled him closer to her. Harry ripped away the sheet that protected Luna's body and pulled her fully to him, wrapping his arms around her waist. He broke their kiss momentarily and stared intently into her eyes, as if he were about to reveal something that would change everything.

"I love you," he said, and Luna nodded vigorously. Harry offered a soft kiss to her lips before smiling against her mouth. "I feel like I need to make up for all the time that we lost." Luna smiled softly to herself and pulled his face back to her.

_Maybe, _she thought. _Maybe I'll allow myself to forget that this won't work. _


End file.
